FW: Jokes -gtagg(心情谁比) @美国华人论坛:美国枫下论坛 The Rolia Forum of USA

工作学习 / 外语学习 / FW: Body Identification -gtagg(心情谁比); 2008-9-10 {914} (#4677727@0)
Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked down and Said "Nope, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked "How can you tell?"

Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes ."

FW: Jokes -gtagg(心情谁比); 2008-9-11 {1704} (#4680358@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛The young employee went to his boss asking for a raise, saying that several other companies were after him.
"What companies are those?" asked the boss.
"The gas company, the electricity, the phone company," the employee admitted, sheepishly.

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What do you call a blind fish?

Answer: FSH

..and what do you call a blind deer?

Answer: No idea

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I asked a friend what he was doing these days.
"Nothing," he replied.
"But I thought you applied for a job in the government."
"Yes," he told me, "I was accepted."

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Fidel Castro was four hours deep into one of his six-hour speeches. Without pausing he handed the chairman a note which read "8th in from left, 17th row back." Armed police moved in discreetly and arrested the designated man as the speech continued. Afterwards the Cuban President was congratulated on spotting the traitor.

"How did you know?" asked the chairman.

"Simple," Castro replied. "I remembered comrade Lenin's dictum. The enemies of Socialism never sleep."

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Three professionals were discussing which of their callings was the most senior.

"Surgery is the oldest," claimed the physician. "God created Eve from Adam's rib. That was surgery."

"But," said the architect, "before that, God took the Chaos and created order. That was architecture."

"Ah," said the economist, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"
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FW: The Brick--Speeding too fast? -gtagg(心情谁比); 2008-9-12 {2828} (#4683035@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared . Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning.

Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in... If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

FW: Jokes -gtagg(心情谁比); 2008-9-19 {716} (#4702263@0)
Did you ever notice that when you put the two words "THE" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?
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I was impressed at my granny's 80th birthday party to see that she still didn't need glasses. No, she drank whisky, as always, straight from the bottle.
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"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan
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"How long have you been working here?" one employee asked the other.
"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me."

FW: More -gtagg(心情谁比); 2008-9-22 {4178} (#4708371@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."

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Doctor: "You have a highly contagious disease. You must go into isolation, and you'll have to eat only pancakes and pizza."
Patient: "Will pancakes and pizza cure the disease?"
Doctor: "No, but we can't slip anything else under the door."

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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
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Directionary:

cardiology: The medical study of the structure, function, and disorders of the heart.

gynecology: The branch of medicine dealing with health care for women, especially the diagnosis and treatment of disorders affecting the female reproductive organs.

proctology: The branch of medicine that deals with the diagnosis and treatment of disorders affecting the colon, rectum, and anus.

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There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand the binary system, and those who don't.

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How many EU electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

If German, one.

If British, four; one to take the bulb out and replace it, one to advise when the bulb is cool enough to hold, one to hold the ladder and one to write the Health and Safety risk assessment.

If Spanish, eighteeen; the first four as the British require, the other fourteen would be British electricians on holiday in Spain, shaking their heads in disapproval at the state of the Spanish wiring system in the place where the bulb has blown.

If French, six. We've always done it with that number, and that's the way the European Union decrees to be correct.

If Italian, none. We don't really need the light, and anyway we are enjoying our long lunch-break too much to break off just now.

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It is noteworthy that President Chirac managed a whole G8 summit without complaining about British food. The Telegraph reports that:

"M. Chirac and his fellow-summiteers tucked into smoked salmon with roasted langoustines and herb salad, followed by a main course of roast fillet of Glenearn lamb with broad beans and peas, aubergine caviar and Parmesan polenta. To finish there was a pudding called "textures of chocolate"."

They then got down to the agenda, which was world hunger.

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(From the final days of the socialist economies…)

How is our potato crop?

Comrade, if you piled up our potatoes it would make a small mountain reaching to the very feet of God.

Comrade, this is a Socialist country; we know there is no God.

That's fine comrade, since there aren't any potatoes either.

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"Build a man a fire, and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life."

- Terry Pratchett

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Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way you are a mile away when you voice your criticism. And you have his shoes.

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Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And I am not sure about the former.

- Albert Einstein更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

haha.有意思。 -fatbean(think open a little); 2008-9-23 (#4712408@0)
FW: How old is Grandma??? -gtagg(心情谁比); 2008-9-26 {3601} (#4722045@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

- television

- penicillin

- polio shots

- frozen foods

- Xerox

- contact lenses

- Frisbees and

- the pill

There were no:

- radars

- credit cards

- laser beams

- ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

- pantyhose

- air conditioners

- dishwashers

- clothes dryers

- and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

- man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first. . .. and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

- "grass" was mowed,

- "coke" was a cold drink,

- "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

- "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

- "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

- " chip" meant a piece of wood,

- "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

- "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
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This Woman would be only 58 years old!更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

FW: Angels have walked beside me -gtagg(心情谁比); 2008-9-26 {2244} (#4722085@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Angels have walked beside me all my life--and they still do.

A young university student Was home for the summer.

She had gone to visit some friends One evening and time passed quickly.

As each shared their various Experiences of the past year, she ended up staying longer than Planned, and had to walk home alone.

She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only A few blocks away.

As she walked along under the Tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from Harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a shortcut to her house, She decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley She noticed a man standing at The end as though he were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began To pray, asking for God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling Of quietness and security wrapped around Her, she felt as though someone Was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup! To see if she could identify him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.

When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one question? Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he answered, Because she wasn't alone. "She had two tall men walking on either side of her."
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Moral of the story:

Don't underestimate the power of Prayer!

Gives ya goose bumps, doesn't it!

This is to all of you who mean something to me, I pray for your happiness.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

FW: "he" and "she" -gtagg(好心情); 2008-9-27 {2882} (#4723403@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

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He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
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He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
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He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . W! e don't know; it has never happened.
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He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
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He said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
She said . . . A widow.
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He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Some more

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

FW: Salute to the tailor! -gtagg(好心情); 2008-9-27 {1397} (#4723894@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛In a small village, where I live, there are no clothing stores, only stores selling cloth. If one wanted to make a suit, or dress, or clothes in general, one had to buy the material and then visit a tailor or dressmaker.

Abraham, my cousin, wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then looked for a tailor.

The first tailor, Ahmed's Men's Tailor, he visited, looked at the cloth, measured Abraham, and shook his head, saying, "There is not enough material to make a suit. I have some new material here, so why not buy it and I can make your suit for you. The total price will be $ 400."

Abraham was very unhappy and told the tailor he will think about this and would return if he thought it was acceptable.

Abraham sought another tailor. This tailor, Kapal's Men's Tailor, measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make you a coat, a pair of trousers, and a vest. Please come back in a week to take your suit. It will cost you $ 250."

After a week, Abraham returned to Kapal's Men's Tailor, to take his new suit. He saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit?"

"It's very simple," replied Kapal, the tailor, "Ahmed has three sons."更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

FW: Plane is Doomed -gtagg(好心情); 2008-10-9 {968} (#4755412@0)
On a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps . .

He whispers . . "Iron this. Then get me a beer"
FW: Celebration -gtagg(好心情); 2008-10-9 {547} (#4755423@0)
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant for an anniversary meal.

The husband keeps staring at two ladies downing their alcohol like there is no tomorrow in a nearby table.

The wife, very curious, asks, "Do you know them?"

"Yes, unfortunately" sighs the husband, "They are both my ex-wives, and rich. They took to drinking right after we divorced seven and ten
years ago, and I heard they haven't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think they could go on celebrating that long?"
FW: Converting a bear -gtagg(好心情); 2008-10-9 {1965} (#4755426@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising The Lord."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

More Please. So funny :) -littleqq(littleqq); 2008-9-25 (#4717853@0)

@USA

FW: Jokes

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