Introduction
We all know
what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as
full-fledged rage.
Anger is a
completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of
control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in
your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it
can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and
powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.
What is Anger?
The
Nature of Anger
Anger is
"an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to
intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger,
PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions,
it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry,
your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy
hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can
be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a
specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a
canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about
your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also
trigger angry feelings.
Expressing
Anger
The
instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is
a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often
aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend
ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is
necessary to our survival.
On the
other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that
irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on
how far our anger can take us.
People use
a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry
feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.
Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the
healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make
clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others.
Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being
respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can
be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in
your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is
to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive
behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed
outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward
may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed
anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of
anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly,
without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a
personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are
constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical
comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not
surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally,
you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward
behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower
your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques
work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."
Anger Management
The goal of
anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the
physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the
things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can
learn to control your reactions.
Are
You Too Angry?
There are
psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to
anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do
have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in
ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need
help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why
Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According
to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who
specializes in anger management, some people really are more
"hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more
intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show
their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy.
Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they
withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who
are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance
for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be
subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things
in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow
unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes
these people this way? A number of things. One cause
may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born
irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a
very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger
is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express
anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we
don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research
has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are
easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled
at emotional communications.
Is
It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"
Psychologists
now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license
to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger
actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the
person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best
to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies
to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple
relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm
down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation
techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any
situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are
hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these
techniques.
Some simple
steps you can try:
- Breathe deeply, from
your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your
breath coming up from your "gut."
- Slowly repeat a calm
word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat
it to yourself while breathing deeply.
- Use imagery;
visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your
imagination.
- Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can
relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice
these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense
situation.
Cognitive
Restructuring
Simply put,
this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or
speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're
angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and
overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For
instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible,
everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's
understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and
getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful
of words like "never" or "always" when talking about
yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine
never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just
inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and
that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate
people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind
yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything,
that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel
worse).
Logic
defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become
irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world
is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough
spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you,
and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand
things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way.
Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't
get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met,
their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring,
angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their
expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like"
something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must
have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience
the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some
angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't
mean the hurt goes away.
Problem
Solving
Sometimes,
our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our
lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response
to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a
solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the
case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on
finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a
plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but
also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can
approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to
face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into
all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better
Communication
Angry
people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and
some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if
you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses.
Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think
carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to
what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen,
too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount
of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants
more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your
activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or
an albatross around your neck.
It's
natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead,
listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel
neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part,
and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a
partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the
situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using
Humor
"Silly
humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can
help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a
name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that
word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker
as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life
form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba)
sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do
this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can,
draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot
of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a
tense situation.
The
underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher
says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry
people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing
of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to
suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you
feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme
ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and
having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail
you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize
that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the
things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor.
First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor
to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh,
sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these
techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself
too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas
that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing
Your Environment
Sometimes
it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury.
Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the
"trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things
that form that trap.
Give
yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled
for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is
the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work,
for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on
fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands
from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some
Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If
you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps
you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when
you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance:
If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut
the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to
be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself
calm.
Finding
alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of
rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different
route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative,
such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel
that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your
relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider
counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed
mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of
techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
When you
talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with
anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger
management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put
you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely
what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person
can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on
the circumstances and the techniques used.
What
About Assertiveness Training?
It's true
that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive),
but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who
don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the
average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't
something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful
tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember,
you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite
of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and
sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration,
pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but
you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry
responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy
in the long run.