今天给公寓管理员写的一封Complain Letter，请大家点评修改一下，先行谢过 -purplegourd(紫葫芦) @美国华人论坛:美国枫下论坛 The Rolia Forum of USA

工作学习 / 外语学习 / 今天给公寓管理员写的一封Complain Letter，请大家点评修改一下，先行谢过 -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 {1571} (#8118571@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛事件经过：下班回家入地下车库时，遇到十几个黑人熊孩子堵车库入口附近，不让车经过，敲诈要钱。
想给公寓管理员写信投诉。
请英语高手帮忙看一下如何用简洁语言把事件描述得严重一些，希望能引起重视。

Dear Management,

On the afternoon of March 25, 2013, I had the most unpleasant experience when I was entering the property’s underground parking garage.
A crowd of kids aging around 10 years old was standing by the garage gate, intentionally blocked the entrance from inside. I was going slowly and stopped my car in order not to hit them. However they won’t let me pass and even surrounded my car.
Then one of them came over. I scrolled down the car window and asked what is up. The kids asked me for two dollars to pass.

That is a candy price. If it was Halloween, or if they had asked politely, I might be happy to hand them the 2 bucks. But could you believe that those young kids gathered for extorting money?
I refused, asked them to let me get through. At first, they won’t let me go home. But finally they gave up and let my car pass.

However, before I enter my parking slot, the kids blocked my vehicle again… They are not even SHAMED on that! What kind of parents could educate their children to do something like that?
This is the most unpleasant experience since I moved to this condo. And I start wondering when this is going to happens for the second time.

The time was around 5:30 – 6:00 pm on March 25. I believe there could be a camera record in the garage.
Please let me know if we could make a better environment for this community.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

写的很好，可以做范文了。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-3-25 (#8118579@0)

兵哥在这那 -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8118583@0)

泰妹这两天很忙啊。引无数鬼神竟折腰啊。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-3-25 (#8118622@0)

这两天高兴，一时忘了自己姓啥。。。。 -tyra(Zara); 14:09 (#8118008@0) reply more -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8118716@0)
瞧这话说的。。。 -maplus(马+); 2013-3-25 (#8118784@0)

就是。 -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8118805@0)

本不想插嘴，还是想说两句，唉，算了，俺还是闭嘴好了。 -hhyang(?!); 2013-3-25 (#8118911@0)

兵哥腰好酸 -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8118947@0)

久仰兵哥大名啊。。话说这么写真的木有问题么，我自己也又改了改。黑人熊孩子太坑了，事后都后悔没当场多说他们几句。 -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 (#8118588@0)

这两句有点不大好，第二句有点 judgemental。不过都很能反映你的情绪，所以留下来也不一定是坏事。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-3-25 {110} (#8118600@0)
They are not even SHAMED on that! What kind of parents could educate their children to do something like that?

我修改一下。其实刚开始说的更judgemental。。。想说是他们父母要他们这么干的 -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 (#8118606@0)

我改的。自己再看看。 -c_w(c); 2013-3-25 {1385} (#8118591@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Dear Property Managers,

I value your service and consider this your property as a nice place to live in. Thank you for your care of our community.

I am writing to you to report an incident taking place around 5-6 pm today, March 25, 2013. It wasn't safe and pleasant to me so I decided to let you know.

When I was entering the property's underground parking garage then, a group of kids aging around 10 years old were standing by the garage entrance, purposely blocking the entrance. I was driving slowly and I had to stop my car in front of them. However they would not let me pass as well as other cars. Then one of them came over and asked for two dollars.

I did not feel comfortable. So I refused and asked them to be out of the way. They kept blocking it for a little while and finally let me pass through. What made me feel bothered was that they stood in my parking spot so I could not park in. ......... I had to wait until they were gone.

The main reason I wanted to write to you is because I am concerned with my safety as well as all residences'. The economy is not getting better soon, I hope these kids could be somehow warned so they don't do this again. I am sure they parents weren't aware of their activities and I hope we, as part of the community, can help these children grow in a more healthier way.

Thank you for your time,

Sincerely....更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

感谢 -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 (#8118599@0)

献丑了。别客气。我还是不建议发。如果有机会见到管理员，口头表达下。不行再上书面的。 -c_w(c); 2013-3-25 (#8118601@0)

应该要书面表达的，否则管理处不重视。 -qiluoxiang(绮罗香); 2013-3-25 (#8118611@0)

自己决定吧。我的就做个次要的参考。 -c_w(c); 2013-3-25 (#8118618@0)

+1，小c改得真不错 -zhousx18(IHaveADream); 2013-3-25 (#8118619@0)
有提reason之后就不能再加because了，而要改成that -keyan(可言); 2013-3-25 (#8118636@0)

这是啥地方啊。。。。竟然被小土匪拦路。。。。？俺十分怀疑这信会有任何作用。。。。当时打911一了百了。。。。 -tigar25(大忽悠之等着吃包子); 2013-3-25 (#8118626@0)

问题都是10来岁的小孩。要找也得找他们父母。 -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 (#8118630@0)

警察一来天下太平。。。。 -tigar25(大忽悠之等着吃包子); 2013-3-25 (#8118637@0)

如果打了911，小孩肯定跑光了。我要带着警察叔叔挨家挨户敲么。。 -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 (#8118645@0)

你不是说有录像么。。。。？再说警察一来你根本不用做任何事。。。。而且也不可能有下回了。。。。这里滴警察还是有一定威慑滴。。。。下回试试吧。。。。比费神写神马信管用。。。。 -tigar25(大忽悠之等着吃包子); 2013-3-25 (#8118671@0)
其实，你现在就应该去楼下跟security说了。 -mildscent(淡淡薰香); 2013-3-25 (#8118697@0)

就是。。。。写了信就能知道有哪些孩子参与了。。。。？这样的地方估计管理处也不咋地。。。。甚至没准就是super的孩子领着干的。。。。 -tigar25(大忽悠之等着吃包子); 2013-3-25 (#8118701@0)
Security也是吃白饭的 -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 (#8118738@0)

这个。。。快搬家吧。 -mildscent(淡淡薰香); 2013-3-25 (#8118782@0)

我也是这么说，管理处可能都不管，直接报警。。。。当然最好是搬家。。。。 -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8118730@0)

感谢兵哥和小C的意见。修改版： -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 {1955} (#8118628@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛还是保留了个人情绪那两句。。。

Dear Property Management,

I am writing to report an incident taking place around 5-6 pm, March 25, 2013. It wasn't safe and pleasant to me so I decided to let you know.

When I was entering the property’s underground parking garage, a group of kids aging around 10 years old were standing by the garage gate, intentionally blocking the garage entrance from inside. I was driving slowly and had to stop my car in front of them. However they would not let me pass as well as other cars. Then one of them came over and asked for two dollars.
That is a candy price. If it was Halloween, or if they had asked in a polite manner, I might be happy to hand them 2 bucks. But could you believe that those young kids gathered for extorting money?
I did not feel comfortable. So I refused and asked them to be out of the way. They kept blocking it for a little while and finally let me pass through.

However, before I entered my parking slot, the kids blocked my vehicle again… They are not even SHAMED on that! What kind of parents could educate their children to do something like that?
This is the most unpleasant experience since I moved to this condo. And I start wondering when this is going to happen for the second time.

The main reason I want to write to you is because I am concerned with my safety as well as all residences'. I hope these kids could be somehow warned so they don't do this again. I hope their parents were not aware of their activities and I hope we, as part of the community, could help these children grow in a healthier way.

The time of this incident was around 5:30 – 6:00 pm on March 25, near the north entrance of the garage. I believe there could be a camera record. If necessary, I would like to have a talk with their parents.
I value your service and consider your property as a nice place to live in. Thank you for your care of our community.

Sincerely,

（Name）更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

Property management ? 只有superintendant和property manager. -zhousx18(IHaveADream); 2013-3-25 (#8118638@0)
为什么要跟他们的家长直接talk？这个先通过management 去处理应该更好。英语有一些grammer error, 主要在过去时态上 -keyan(可言); 2013-3-25 (#8118644@0)

个人意见，写的太长。 -mikesmith(老猫); 2013-3-25 {498} (#8118663@0)
To whom it may concern,

There is a serious security problem in our property. I hope you will deal with it as soon as possible. Yesterday afternoon at 5:30 pm, a group of 12 teenage boys blocked my entrance to the garage, asking for money. Without it, I can't pass... I felt threatened, I felt in danger. I would call police, if it ever happens to me again. Or you can call police before anyone gets hurt. Please escalate to whoever needs to be involved. Call me if you need more information.

喜欢这个表达. -7755(7755); 2013-3-25 (#8118731@0)
这个感觉说得过重了。小孩没做什么实际危险举动，年龄上也构不成威胁。就是堵车要钱，要不到就放弃了，完事还说我差点撞到他。shock的是这群老黑小小年纪就这样，将来长大了怎么得了。所以开始准备搬了。 -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 (#8118773@0)
言简意赅。。。。如果非要写信而不是911滴话。。。。老猫这个好。。。。！ -tigar25(大忽悠之等着吃包子); 2013-3-25 (#8118788@0)

同意 -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8118954@0)

难得你同意俺一回。。。。 -tigar25(大忽悠之等着吃包子); 2013-3-25 (#8118985@0)

真伤心啊，就这帖里我都同意你两回了。 -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8119015@0)

唉。。。。真是个木良心滴仍。。。。 -tigar25(大忽悠之等着吃包子); 2013-3-25 {36} (#8119113@0)
确实被同意两次。。。。俺有罪。。。。

买机票吧 -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8119161@0)

还是楼主的好。老猫的太干。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-3-25 (#8119017@0)

太湿了不好 -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8119028@0)

太干了没人看。楼主的版本栩栩如生，有故事别人就看，再长都没事。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-3-25 (#8119062@0)

我以为这是严重的事，应引起他们注意，写严重点挺好。隔靴搔痒他们容易推脱，严重了他们怕负责任，总会做点什么。 -tyra(Zara); 2013-3-25 (#8119069@0)

I like this one, and here is my version -dv2011(小肥羊); 2013-3-25 {487} (#8119150@0)
Feeling threatened and almost robbed by a group of teenagers at 5:30pm yesterday inside our apartment building.

Unless you and management start to deal with it seriously , residents here will never feel safe again.

Calling police wasn't my first priority at that moment, but I probably will next time.

Keep a safety environment of the property is very important matter of all, and

Youth must be disciplined by their parents,

On daily basis,

Until we can make it done

要是可能的话考虑搬家吧. 这种情况不应该出现, 一旦有了一次就会有下一次尽管形式可能不同. -redneck(Redneck); 2013-3-25 (#8118672@0)
第一句就卡住了，on the afternoon? -bdbs(不多不少); 2013-3-25 (#8118676@0)

of March 25, 2013.... -redneck(Redneck); 2013-3-25 (#8118683@0)

so? still afternoon, not day. -bdbs(不多不少); 2013-3-25 (#8119064@0)

OK, March 25 is not a day but a week, or a month, or something else. -redneck(Redneck); 2013-3-26 {36} (#8119273@0)
This should be grade school English.

楼主的经历太不可思议了，这个一定要让管理部门知道，并且调查到底。我的修改版本 -mildscent(淡淡薰香); 2013-3-25 {1615} (#8118686@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Dear Property Manager,

I’d like to report an unpleasant experience happened this afternoon around 5:30pm to 6pm. What happened was when I drove through the underground garage door, I was stopped by a group of teenagers. They standed by the entrance and blocked it from inside. I was trying to drive slowly and hoped to pass them without hurting anyone, however, they didn’t let me pass. While they were gathering around my car, one of them came over and asked for two dollars in order for me to get into the parking lot.

I’ve never expected this sort of things to be happened in my own condo parking lot, thought it should be a safe place. I refused to give the money to the kid and asked them to let me drive through. They didn’t walk away at the beginning but finally they gave up and let my car passed.

This is not the whole story though, before I entered my parking lot, those kids blocked my way again. They were apparently followed me and intended to make troubles. Even though at the end I did park my car, I couldn't believe this was happened. This is the most unpleasant experience I had since I moved to this condo. I started to question the safety of this place and wonder whether similar things would happen in the future.

I believe there should be some monitoring systems installed near the garage door. I strongly suggest the property management investigate this accident and make sure things like this will never happen again in this condo.

Please let me know if you need any more information. I can be contacted via phone xxx-xxx-xxxx or email xxxxx@xx.xxx.

Regars,
XXXXX更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

第一句就是病句。接下来的“standed”? ?。 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-3-25 (#8118714@0)

LOL, 就是觉得别扭，不知道别扭在哪儿了。stood :) -mildscent(淡淡薰香); 2013-3-25 (#8118743@0)

谢谢。有一点要澄清下：大家都以为是teenager，如果是teenager那么大的我就报警了。都是10岁上下的小孩，这是最无奈之处，也不好说啥重话。不过真不爽啊。确实要考虑搬家了。 -purplegourd(紫葫芦); 2013-3-25 (#8118734@0)

嗯，年龄的细节你自己把握了。这么乱的地方真的该远离。 -mildscent(淡淡薰香); 2013-3-25 (#8118748@0)

Too long. It is not a literature letter. -stressfree(winter); 2013-3-25 (#8118727@0)
Better keep it brief, to the point for this type of letter I think. -woodypeony(squeal); 2013-3-27 {339} (#8121135@0)
I want to report an incident that occured in the parking area on March 25, 2013. At approximately 5:30 pm, a group of youths blocked the entrance and demanded for money before they would allow me to pass. Not only was this activity inappropriate, but also a safety concern. Please investigate and remedy this situation as soon as possible.

Demand 之后不用for。另外10岁左右的顽童不能算youth. 个人觉得再点一下他们挡车的细节会更好点，remedy situation ? 个人觉得address the situation好点。 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-3-27 {12} (#8121156@0)
写得很简明。

@USA

今天给公寓管理员写的一封Complain Letter，请大家点评修改一下，先行谢过

Replies, comments and Discussions:

More Topics