多练习用动词，少用抽象名词，语言会生动实际很多。 -goingconern(GoingConcern) @美国华人论坛:美国枫下论坛 The Rolia Forum of USA

工作学习 / 外语学习 / 请在线的同学给看看这句话有问题么？感谢。 -hank73(happymom); 2013-4-8 {104} (#8140592@0)
I will be able to demonstrate my commitment to serve a position that would be much more than just a job.

You will find me competent for this position and a valuable asset to your company. -c_w(/); 2013-4-8 (#8140594@0)
语法上没问题。表达方式上见仁见智吧。 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-8 (#8140616@0)
如果保留这种表达方式，本人认为，I will demonstrate my commitment to serve a position that would be much more than just a job. 语气更坚定些。 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-8 (#8140632@0)

I agree! -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2013-4-11 (#8145885@0)

其实完整原话是这样的：（请给指教。） -hank73(happymom); 2013-4-8 {235} (#8140685@0)
It is my hope that by working with..., I will be able to demonstrate my commitment to serve a position that would be much more than just a job. This position will provide an opportunity to make a positive contribution to the community.

没语法问题。在这个上下文里，最好留着be able to。 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-8 (#8140698@0)

酱油哥哥，请问如果把serve a position改为support a position，哪一个更贴切啊？ -hank73(happymom); 2013-4-8 (#8140771@0)

要我在这两者里选的话，我会选serve. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-8 (#8140803@0)

Question: This position will provide an opportunity ... Should there be a word like "me" after provide? -taoyuan(天涯); 2013-4-8 (#8140965@0)

It is okay not to have it. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-8 (#8141072@0)

还想请问保留原话的效果好还是改成这样好（简单些）呀？ -hank73(happymom); 2013-4-10 {133} (#8143195@0)
It is my hope that by working with..., I will be able to demonstrate my commitment to make a positive contribution to the community.

恕我直言 -c_w(/); 2013-4-10 {64} (#8143202@0)
如果我是 INTERVIEWER，这句话在我眼里，说了和没说一个样。对不起。

你的表达方式确实显得更有信心。 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-10 (#8144450@0)

Commitment is meaningless for any candidate until otherwise proven. Promises are worth of nothing until verified. "Trust but verify." Nowadays trust is just not there. -c_w(/); 2013-4-10 (#8144464@0)

小C 太 cynical 了。LZ 的原话不是有几个人愿意说的，大部分人连想都想不到，如果你说出来了，可信度很高。反正我是信了。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-10 (#8144476@0)

表达方式是个见仁见智的事情，别太认真了。楼主从来没说这段话用于什么目的，所以我们只能帮他看看语法。　 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-10 (#8144489@0)

酱油哥还是不懂。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-10 (#8144603@0)

You believe what you want to believe. I only believe what's proven and verified. -c_w(/); 2013-4-10 (#8144610@0)

LZ 要是碰上你，那是白写了。但是这种话对大部分人都会有影响。俺敢肯定你那位迟到的员工绝对写不出这种话，连想都想不到。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-10 (#8144630@0)

LZ 公众论坛问了意见，我在公众论坛提供了意见。你还有什么问题？ -c_w(/); 2013-4-10 (#8144647@0)

俺也是提供意见，到目前为止还没有问题。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-10 {52} (#8144660@0)
看到有人用负面的心态来 negative 地影响网友俺就着急。

那你继续把头埋在沙里吧。我先撤了。 -c_w(/); 2013-4-10 (#8144699@0)
您心态那么好也会“急”？这么简单的两句话也值得争？小c和楼主的表达都没有语法和逻辑问题，风格不同罢了。 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-10 (#8144739@0)

酱油哥还是不懂。 -wincity(红卫兵); 21:26 (#8144603@0) reply more -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-10 (#8144805@0)

Of course, your state of mind is something that I can never read. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-10 (#8144880@0)

纠正一下，看着刺眼：　"worth nothing", or, "worthy of nothing". Other than that, all agreed. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-10 (#8144483@0)

LZ 的原文最好。小C 的版本语气轻淡了不少，比 LZ 的修改版好不了多少。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-10 (#8144470@0)

严重同意。 -steven8888(夜太黑); 2013-4-10 (#8144899@0)

先谢谢楼上所有前辈的不吝赐教，如果是用在cover letter上合适吗？用第一句还是第二句缩短后句子好呢？只想先达得坚定不累赘。 -hank73(happymom); 2013-4-10 (#8144547@0)

用在cover letter上，有点云山雾罩的。。。 -coolmao(酷猫 * lorem lpsum); 2013-4-10 (#8144645@0)

My version for the same content would be: I will be able to make my part of contribution to secure a position that 's more than just a job. Serve a position sounds a bit rigid to me -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-10 (#8144574@0)

Your expression sounds really odd. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-10 (#8144591@0)

I would agree to disagree. -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-10 (#8144607@0)
If your "odd" refer to "secure" then I am definitely confident with the expression. No offense -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-10 (#8144617@0)

contribution 和 secure a position 没什么直接联系吧 -coolmao(酷猫 * lorem lpsum); 2013-4-10 (#8144634@0)

为什么没有？SECURE 在这里的意思你认为是什么呢？ -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-10 (#8144671@0)

To secure a position is the objective of your job search. It is in fact what YOU want. Employers don't care what you WANT but what you HAVE for them. That's why it is odd to use it as a reason to convince your potential employer of your capability. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-10 (#8144725@0)

secure here is "obtain and protect after a lot of effort" and is therefore no less, if not more, relevant to the contribution to a workplace -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-10 (#8144744@0)

"To obtain and protect" is about YOUR job security, which is not exactly what the employer looks at. By saying so your statement becomes inconsistent as far as the employer's interests are concerned. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-10 {88} (#8144799@0)
Nonetheless, you can always use "to secure a position" as an OBJECTIVE on your resume.

沐MM说的有理，酱油哥对单词的理解太机械了。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-10 (#8144814@0)

This is called : nuance or subtlety. 10-4? -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-10 (#8144832@0)

In a rather desperate effort to persuade you that "secure a position" " SERVE" much more of a purpose to protect "my job security", I could've told you that 8 years ago, my -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-10 {299} (#8144883@0)
previous boss replace the "obtain" by "secure" in my resume for a promotion in the same line of biz , saying that secure has a more positive meaning. But I'm not doing this now, the only aspect I want to direct your attention to is that "serve a position" is quite unheard of in the language.

and in order to SECURE a smooth and peaceful good night sleep:), let's call it a day. Good night MAO,BINGGE,JIANGYOU -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-10 (#8144893@0)
You don't have to be so excitable. It is just a discussion. From your reaction I am not sure if you got my point. "To secure a position" is your OBJECTIVE. It is not a reason for any boss to hire you. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-11 {120} (#8144935@0)
Using it in the line of your Objective on your resume is fine. Using it to convince the employer of your ability is ODD.

俺怎么没有觉得沐MM excitable？酱油哥往往有点过于机械。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-11 (#8145013@0)
1st,let me add"than"btw "purpose "and"to protect",sorry about the oversight. With all the due respect, I have to say u misinterpreted my ton of voice and jump to conclusion too easily, I mean about my being excitable. Lol...... -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-11 {303} (#8145054@0)
Secure a position is not only about OBJECTIVE there, I explained that part in my previous post. And again, serve a position IS unheard of,at least to me, if u think differently pls prove it if u can & if u want, and only then I can be reminded of something,that 's the whole purpose of being here.

Just because you haven't heard of something doesn't mean it is not there. Check this article out: -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-12 (#8147052@0)
Check this out -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-12 (#8147053@0)

These 2 exemples are not convincing. The 1st one sounds awkward to me and could be a rare occurence or a typo, the 2nd one is even worse in that the sentence including "serve a position" is not even grammatically readable. All I can say is it's been -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-12 {263} (#8147406@0)
unheard of to me til your post, and I am still not comfortable in using it. "People mountain people sea" is not unheard of neither, however, that does not justify itself as good English usage. Thanks a lot for taking the time to find them, really appreciate it.

You are welcome. My purpose of posting these links is not to convince anyone but to present the fact. What to do with the fact is all up to the readers. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-12 {367} (#8147956@0)
"Serve a position" is not something made up by myself. It is a commonly used expression although some of you have never heard of it. You don't have to use it if you don't like it. However, denying its existence (or saying it is wrong) is just misleading. By the way, here is another link, where "serve a position" is used. There is still a lot more out there...
http://www.angelfirechamber.org/about-us.htm

还在纠结啊。我是这么认为地。。。找工，你谈话的对象是公司，而不是职位。招聘是双向的，不要变成单向的表忠心。职位的稳定与否，多数不是你决定的。就像酱油哥说的，是你心里的目的，但和招聘没关系。现在好像不太兴cover letter了，这上面就别太纠结了。 -coolmao(酷猫 * lorem lpsum); 2013-4-12 (#8147233@0)

没啥。再说下去没什么意思。谁也说服不了谁。毕竟这是LZ自己的事。停。 -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-12 (#8147431@0)

从我招聘的经验来看，越口语化越好。越拽越看不下去。 -mayer(难得糊涂); 2013-4-10 (#8144966@0)

那恐怕只反映你自己的性情吧。俺觉着，凡事真诚最重要，老外对国人的英文应该不会太计较。 -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-11 (#8145012@0)

Mayer has a valid point. The orginal statement sounds rather rigid and old-frashioned. It has nothing to do with sincerity. -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2013-4-11 (#8145654@0)

It's not a sin to be "rigid and old-fashioned", especially for someone whose first language is not English. -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-11 (#8145758@0)

Of course it is not a sin, but there is a benefit in sounding more practical and upbeat. -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2013-4-11 (#8145877@0)

LZ is trying to say he'll treat the position more than just a job, he'll go above and beyond the call of duty, he'll try to please his boss the way he'd try to please his girlfriend, when people say that, I see sincerity -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-11 {88} (#8145798@0)
because most people don't have such an attitude so they'd never say something like it.

LOL, I had seen such a point. But tell me, why does one have to go out of his/her way to please his/her boss? Do your job for your own benefits, not for your boss'. One does not have to show the so-called "sincerity" at the cost of his/her dignity. -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2013-4-11 (#8145868@0)

I was just exaggerating. I don't think you need to give up dignity to be able to do that. From your posts I read in the "Accounting Forum", I think you're also the kind of person who treats his job more than just a job. -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-11 {209} (#8145980@0)
I do think you can show sincerity by just words. If you say, "I'll work hard", I don't know if you're sincere. But if you say, "I'll write software like An Lee makes his movie", then I see sincerity.

如果要保留原文基本不变，个人看法可以写成：I will be able to demonstrate my commitment to serve IN a position that would be much more than just a job. SERVE a customer, serve in an army 等等都见过， serve a position 确实从语感上觉得不妥。 -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-11 (#8145293@0)

This is misleading. "Serve a position" is OK. -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2013-4-11 (#8145644@0)

Any example(s) to justify both of your statements? -keystrokes(沐春风); 2013-4-11 (#8146612@0)
Serve someone, serve in the army… but “serve a position”? Never heard of anyone saying it. -nothanks(ciel); 2013-4-11 (#8147009@0)

Expressions like, serve a position or serve temporary position, etc are not uncommon at all. -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-12 (#8147038@0)

"to serve a senior analyst" or "to serve a accountant"? This is exactly how I know he is a new immigrant. -nothanks(ciel); 2013-4-12 (#8147059@0)

It seems that you've gone a bit too far . We are talking about "serve a position ", which is "unheard of" to some people here. Where did you see" serve a senior analyst"? -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2013-4-12 {76} (#8147225@0)
Were you really under influence of alcohol when posting this? Just kidding .

Yes, a bit far. I take back. Still have a headache. But my position on the discussion is unchanged. No need to discuss it any further and leave the decision to LZ. It is his cover letter after all. -nothanks(ciel); 2013-4-12 (#8147389@0)

高手云集，学到一二。好奇中，问了同事，认为serve in a position是对的，不过身边这些redneck没听过serve a position很正常，他们也不care一个in，意思都明白。如果是MM自己用，恕我直言，这种表达确实rigid, old fashioned。 -woodypeony(squeal); 2013-4-13 (#8149217@0)

多练习用动词，少用抽象名词，语言会生动实际很多。 -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2013-4-11 {946} (#8145715@0)
Saying " I will be able to demonstrate my commitment to serve a position that would be much more than just a job." sounds rigid, passive and thus not convincing enough. Why?

1. " I will be able to" : future tense sounds less connected to present. "Be able to" sounds passive. It is better to use "shall /will" (情态动词) to show your determination.
2. "demonstrate my committment" : a bit wordy. Why not simply use the verb " commit"? It sounds more action-oriented, agqain less passive.
3. " Would be" ? Why use the subjunctive mood? You are not confident enough?
4. " Position that is more than just a job". It sounds indirect. You mean it won't be just a job, but a career for you. Why say the negative thing only? Be straight forward and mention the postive point only, leave the negative description aside.

Consider a more straight forward experession, " I shall/will commit to this position to build my career."
Cut the crap. It won’t even get you a phone interview. -nothanks(ciel); 2013-4-12 {209} (#8147016@0)
Keep this in mind: what an interviewer really wants to find out is why on earth, out of hundreds of applicants, he/she would hire you. Focus on matching your experience and education to the job requirements.

不谢哥又怎么知道ＬＺ的 qualification 不 match？ -wincity(红卫兵); 2013-4-12 (#8147168@0)

I don't. -nothanks(ciel); 2013-4-12 (#8147376@0)

@USA

多练习用动词，少用抽象名词，语言会生动实际很多。

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@USA

多练习用动词， 少用抽象名词，语言会生动实际很多。

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多练习用动词，少用抽象名词，语言会生动实际很多。